"What's a vending machine ever done to you besides given you tasty treats and caffeinated beverages when you needed them?", I hear no one ask.
I'm just of the opinion that if we were treated to the same purchasing experience in any other context, we wouldn't put up with it. But we bite our tongues and swallow our pride and suffer the indignity of an interaction with these glass and metal fascists for convenience's sake.
It could be that I'm the only person in the world that takes our treatment to heart to this degree, and that's not something that I'm comfortable with. How do we ever expect things to change if we're fine with the bar being as low as it is? What, you get a Snickers and a Dr. Pepper in a waiting room and that's good enough for you? Uh, last I checked, this was The United Goddamn States of America, where "good enough" is never good enough.
Allow me to illustrate my point. Through the magic of our imaginations, lets go on a trip to a 7-Eleven that has recently hired a man who has had his brain transplanted with that of your typical vending machine.
Ah, good day to you, sir!
"Ice-Cold beverages. $1.45."
Right to business, I see! Fair enough! I see that you have everything behind the counter there... I suppose that's convenient?
Uh, alright. Right on. Lets see... how much for the Mountain Dew?
"$1.45."
Alright, alright. Um, I'll take that, I guess. I could go for a Mountain Dew. I-- I'm sorry, but I don't see a card reader here? You do accept credit, right?
"Why would we accept credit, idiot?"
Maybe because we're in the 21st fucking century and why wouldn't you? I don't know, maybe I'm being silly. Am I being silly?
"Do you want the Mountain Dew or not, jackass?"
Fine, here. All I have is change.
"Alright, put them in my hand, one-by-one."
Are you serious? Fine, alright. Here.
"Oh, is this a nickel? I'm sorry, but we're randomly not accepting nickels today."
WHY WON'T YOU TAKE MY MONEY? ALL I WANT IS A GODDAMN MOUNTAIN DEW.
"Yeah, it's a great soda, isn't it? Look at all of those Mountain Dews that I'm selling, right behind this glass on the shelf! So cold and refreshing! Only $1.45!"
I'm dying, sir. I'm literally dying of thirst right now. What if I were to tell you that? I have $1.45 right here, in my hand. I want you to take it. I want to make this money yours, and I want that Mountain Dew that you have for sale in return. Look, you have so many!
"Indeed I do. $1.45 and one can be yours! But we're not accepting nickels today."
Shit, alright. I have five pennies, you son of a bitch. Is that alright with you?
"HAHA PENNIES WHAT? THAT'S LIKE MONEY FOR BABIES. Get the fuck out of here with your pennies and nickels."
JESUS CHRIST FINE, TAKE MY TWO DOLLARS.
"Alright, here's your Mountain Dew and your change."
What the fuck? You just shook it up and threw it on the floor!
At this point, using the magic of our imaginations, we slowly beat the man to death over the course of a weekend.
Do you see what I mean? Nobody would put up with this bullshit if it were coming from a person! Where's our sense of pride, America? I go through this every goddamn day with a machine that I can't even sass back!
You know what, thinking about it, I don't even need someone to fix the above-specified issues. I just need a machine that I can sass back. Just give it some basic sass-recognition software and a dumb little face for me to punch when it throws my change on the floor. Then I'll be satisfied.
