rerun: girls - the eighth wonder of the world.

note: I've been with the same girl for going on seven years now; six of those years spent living together. I've completely reversed my position on the subject.

originally posted on February 10th, 2003:

There's a large misconception had by the world right now, and I feel it is my responsibility to rid the world of it. It's strange, because this misconception is even held by some of the people whom it directly affects, and they don't seem to think twice about it. In fact, most of them propegate it, and seem to run with it and become rather stubborn when faced with the truth.

I'll just get it out right now, right here, at the beginning. Girls don't poop. Girls don't fart, girls don't "piss", girls are incapable of any such bodily function, unless it is a toned down, cuter version thereof.

You may ask how this is physically possible, and I'll tell you a straight answer: I don't know. It defies all logic, really. I mean, where does it go? Does it even exist in the first place? There's so many unanswered questions regarding the entire thing, and this is why I think girls are the Eighth Wonder of the World. 'Tis truly a special creature which can take in a substance, retain the good portions, and poof!, make the rest defy science and vanish into thin air.

I've sat down with some like-minded individuals, and we've tried to think this out. We've drawn out a couple diagrams, a couple flow-charts, and really, it's just led to more speculation and further questions. There's a couple interesting theories we've uncovered though. I won't get into them all here, but one of them is what we like to call the "Trash Compactor" theory. It's where there's a special organ in the female body which compacts the would-be excrement into virtually nothing. After that, we don't know. It's all speculation at this point.

Another interesting theory is that, much like birds, all the waste that the female body produces comes out in one form. This is not the goopy white slop that birds produce, oh no. It comes out as what we have scientifically labled "wee-wee", or "tinkle" in some circles. Also, for a yet-unknown reason, the female will cover her mouth with a single hand and giggle 99.9% of the time. We don't know if this is because of an unpainful irritation somewhere along the urethra during tinkling, or if the tinkling releases some sort of chemical or something into the bloodstream, resulting in a temporary case of "the giggles." Once again.. all speculation.

This does not apply to all women neccesarily. For example, there are the girls you see on daytime talk shows, or the girls you see shopping at The Rave in the mall, or a wide variety of trailer park girls and girls from the south. These girls poop, these girls fart, these girls flat-out piss. I'm sure there's girls down there that have blasted dookies that would make a truck driver blush. I, myself, have hypothesized that, because of inbreeding and drug abuse while still in the womb, these women are not as high along on the evolutionary ladder, and therefore do not possess the required organs essential for fecal eradication. They can still go on and lead normal lives, no doubt, just with the added tasks of passing gas and "dropping the kids off at the pool."

With that said, the next time a girl approaches you and tells you "holy jeez I gotta pinch a loaf!", you look them straight in the eyes and call them on their shit.. or.. lack of. Wait, inappropriate wording. Just call them lying bitches, and present them with these facts. If they leave for the bathroom, just press your ear against the door and wait for the giggling to start. Trust me, it'll come. The door will open, and it will smell like rose petals, and you can say "a-HA! I knew Nick could never steer me wrong!"

Because I'm only here to educate.