rerun: the ultimate zombie movie; my gift to you.

originally posted on January 9th, 2009:

I've tossed around an idea or two for my own ideal version of a zombie flick. I would really love to turn one of them into another stick figure zombie comic, but I lack the drive, the time, and the motivation. So I am throwing my babies into the wild, leaving them to fend for themselves, and hoping that they find a good home with a rich Hollywood movie producer with bad taste and a love of zombie holocaust movies. Here's the pitch; do with it what you will:

We all know the story of Lucifer's fall from Heaven, and how he came to earth and tempted Eve with the apple, and how he's the Father of Lies and responsible for all life's pain and suffering, et cetera. Imagine that, when Lucifer fell, he created a world of his own in retaliation, just to piss off God, and we all live in that world. That's why bad things happen to good people. God has no power here.

Jesus, ergo, would be the son of Satan, which is why he rose from the dead in a vile perversion of life (and why we celebrate that act on Zombiemas! Don't forget, people! Don't commercialize Zombiemas!), and ate the brains of the living (an act which was conveniently left out of most copies of the Bible, save for the one I have right here and I'm totally looking at right now. Trust me).

The movie takes place during the Second Coming of Christ, where he comes back in Zombie form (should that be capitalized? We still do the Him and He thing, right?), and starts turning his disciples into zombies, thus making this a true Zombie Apocalypse movie.

Along the course of the movie, a group of socially diverse people will be bound together by this set of events, and eventually find out the truth about Jesus and Satan's role in the development of the world. They will then decide that the only thing that can be done to stop this madness is to appeal to the Vatican, who will then fund the assembly of a crack team of commandos and special agents to drill to the center of the earth and take out Satan himself.

I imagine it being ridiculous in the Army of Darkness kind of way, but less Three Stooges and more Chainsaw-for-an-arm craziness, and totally un-tongue-in-cheek. It'd be totally straight forward and awesome.

I want to see this movie made. Somebody do this for me? Plz?