this would make the most boring action movie known to man.

I just murdered the shit out of some adware, in cold fucking blood.

Just like Arnold in the '80s classic Commando, I tracked the bastard down and fucking executed it for it's transgressions.

I don't even know how I got it in the first place, but it doesn't even matter. It was there, a new toolbar under the address bar in Firefox called My Web Search, advertising flowery mouse pointers and packs of 100+ emoticons, and I had to deal with it, because that's what real men do. I immediately started scouring the internet, gathering intel on it's possible whereabouts on my computer. Did it have a sizable army protecting it? Would I have to roll in, guns blazing, like Arnold in The Terminator? Or would a more stealthy approach suit the situation better? Like when Arnold came up from the ice and snuck into the party at the beginning of True Lies?

Turns out it was right there in the "Uninstall Programs" section, hiding in plain sight. You think you're so fucking clever, don't you My Web Search? Well, I've got news for you pal. You ain't leadin' but two things right now: Jack and Shit... and Jack left town.

I clicked the "uninstall" button, and this dialogue box popped up:

Was it really begging for it's life? In saying "click here to disable toolbar instead", it was really saying "look pal, I'll give you anything you want! I've got money! You want this watch? Have it, it's yours! You want power? I can make you the most powerful man in the world! Look, I'll disappear! I'll leave town! You'll never see me again! Oh god, just let me live!" Just like Richard Dawson tried pleading with Arnold at the end of The Running Man. You know how that turned out for him? He got a bobsled ride into oblivion.

This is a message to all adware trying to hid out on my computer and encroach on my internet space with their garish toolbars that replicate search functions that my browser already fucking possesses: you better watch your damn back. Because when you see me next, I'm not going to be like Arnold in Junior. I'm gonna come at you like Arnold in Conan the Barbarian, and you're going to be playing the part of Thulsa motherfucking Doom.*

*That is to say, I'm going to kill you. In case you've never seen Conan the Barbarian. Sorry.