canonicity.

It occurred to me the other day that when I die, I probably won't have any books or anything written about me. I won't have my own biopic, and I probably won't even be mentioned in anyone else's biopics, unless my son goes on to do monumentally great things, which is a possibility. In any case, after people stop talking about me, the only thing that anyone will have to go on when trying to figure out who I was and what my life meant will probably be this online thing I'm doing here.

 

Let me take this moment to introduce you to a little concept called canon. Canon is a way to denote what's part of the official story in certain series and franchises. It's used, for example, by nerds when talking about which aspects of Star Trek lore are official, and which other aspects came about through some poorly written fan fiction. Like, Jean-Luc Picard and Geordi La Forge were crew members on the USS Enterprise. That's canon. What's not cannon is that they totally boned in the holodeck in a tropical simulation while Riker watched. That's just something I wrote just now.

 

Having this thing that I'm writing in here being the only chronicling of the events in my life for future generations gives me the opportunity to declare various events in my life non-canon, and to write a new series of events that I can officially declare canon. Who's going to know any better? Like, that time in elementary school when I couldn't unlock the front door in enough time to avoid peeing my pants? Non-canon. In the canonical event, I actually got a running start, fly-kicked the door open, and avoided peeing my pants by going in the first available spot, which happened to be on my dog. Canon! Wait, that wasn't very good.

 

Let's see... another non-canon event was when I saw a spider at Arby's, and I grabbed a 90 pound girl to kill it for me because I was afraid of it. That totally didn't happen. What actually happened was that I rounded a corner and spotted this 300 pound beast of a spider, staring menacingly at the aforementioned 90 pound girl. I dropped the box of curly fries that I was carrying, and do you know what I did? I punched that spider right in it's goddamn dick. Canon!

 

There's just too many possibilities to cover all of my life's rewrites in this one entry. Note to future historians: look for a few entries in the future to get a better idea about who I was, and why my life was so full of these great, totally canon moments that seem like they're out of action movies but are actually totally real.