I'm not the world's biggest fan of insects.
Back when I was into themed parties, I wanted to throw a "Fuck Insects" party, which would have involved imbibing various potent potables (I could have said "drinking', but I wanted to throw a Jeopardy phrase in there) and watching classics such as the John Goodman favorite Arachnophobia and David Cronenberg's remake of The Fly. The party kinda got stopped in the planning phases when everyone I invited evidently thought I was asking if they wanted to go to a "Fuckin' Sex" party, which would have been a little awkward, admittedly.
Really though, if any class of animals deserves to have a party thrown with the specific intentions of raising a glass to it's demise, it would be insects. I would go as far as to say the entire Arthropod class can go fuck itself, but it unfortunately includes crustaceans, which, I'm sorry, are delicious. I don't know if the urge to eat an entire subphylum of creatures can be quantified as hatred, so we'll let them slide, even if they are underwater bugs for all intents and purposes. Basically, what I'm saying is anything with an exoskeleton that's not a delicious sea creature or a sweet robot can go fuck itself.
Speaking of robots, you'd be hard pressed to convince me that some insects aren't robots from the future sent back in time to skeeve us out. There was a carpenter ant in my house last night, crawling on the counter in the kitchen while I was trying to get some mac & cheese prepared for my son. As I am wont to do when killing insects, I recited Samuel L. Jackson's favorite Bible passage from Pulp Fiction to the ant, letting it know that I wasn't fucking around, and as I got to "AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD!" part, I raised my hand in preparation to vanquish this unholy bastard. The ant wiggled it's antennas, no doubt trying and failing to grasp it's own mortality in this time of peril, as I slammed my hand down with great vengeance and fuuuurious anger. After silently congratulating myself for a job well done in protecting myself and my family, I lifted my hand to find the ant, I shit you not, no worse for the wear. Confused, I grabbed a paper towel and smushed the hell out of that little jerk, applying way more pressure than was really needed just to make sure that the job was done right this time. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't reminded of the final scene in the original Terminator movie where Arnold finally meets his maker in the industrial press. Well, I guess "meets his maker" doesn't really apply in the case of a cyborg from the future, but that's neither here nor there because HOLY SHIT THE ANT IS STILL ALIVE ARE YOU KIDDING ME. In abject horror, I pounded the counter with my bare fists, sending Conrad's bowl of mac & cheese flying into the sink and various utensils falling to the floor, all in an effort to finally kill this one little ant with an exoskeleton made of fucking adamantium. With the job finally done, I collapsed onto the kitchen floor, surrounded by utensil shrapnel, and shuddered. If it's that hard to kill one little ant, then what the hell chance to we stand as a species?
If that doesn't make the case for you that these bugs are goddamn robots from the future: did you know that there's a type of carpenter ant that can explode in self-defense? What the fuck? Uh, self-destruct sequence? Hello? These things are murderous robots from the future, and I hate them all.
Now generally speaking, I'm against scientists fucking around with our food and playing God with things. I feel like it's probably similar to when I used to get into shit I shouldn't have gotten into on my family's old computer and started changing lines of code because I could, only to find the computer beeping angrily at me upon it's next boot up. We're doing things because we can, and not necessarily because we should. But I'm willing to throw all of that out the window if these nerds in lab coats can figure out some way to not completely fuck up the food chain if we wipe out insects completely. I don't care how many genetic modifications we need to make to animals and other food sources. I don't care if I'm feeding cows to other cows or whatever. Let's just do this thing so I can get out there all Starship Troopers-style like Johnny Rico and just absolutely wreck these fucking insects.
2 comments:
Isn't it also weird how bugs are larger now? I was a small kid, if I'd met some of these He-man sized, post nuclear creatures, I'd have never left my room.
I've definitely seen some big bugs in my time. There was a video on YouTube of this mammoth centipede eating a mouse alive. I kind of want to crawl out of my skin just thinking about it.
Post a Comment