As I'm sure you've already heard, the Rapture occurred on May 21st, 2011 at 6:00pm worldwide. We all got advanced notice from the archipelago of Tonga, as they were the first time zone to be judged by the Almighty. As He made His way from time zone to time zone, 1/24th of the world at a time, sucking naked bodies into the sky, the world was left to wonder why He would choose to abide by our arbitrary borders, but really, the dude's God. You can't really question His logic.
The good thing about not being in the first time zone to get Raptured was that you had at least a few hours to think about what was going on. I actually did a last-minute conversion to Christianity before God hit the east coast and got Raptured myself. It wasn't that big of a deal. As an agnostic atheist, the only thing really keeping me from Christianity was a lack of extraordinary evidence, but I'd say floating millions of people up to Heaven at an agreed upon date and time should be proof enough for anyone. All I had to do was clasp my hands, say that I wanted Jesus to be my buddy, and that was that. I actually went the extra mile and wrote JESUS' #1 FAN in body paint really big on my chest, just so He could spot me in a crowd, and it apparently worked. I made sure to go outside at around quarter to five, so that if I didn't manage to get Raptured, I could at least watch for those who did. I set up a lawn chair on my roof, took my shirt off so he could see my awesome body paint job, and waited. 6:00pm came around and, like clockwork, up I floated, out of my clothes and into the sky.
The ride up was a little awkward. I saw people that I've seen before maybe once or twice, at the gas station or the grocery store. There was that weird moment of recognition, like "haha, hey! You've bagged my groceries before and now I can totally see your weiner!", but you don't really say that because we're all awkward animals and the guy's bagged hundreds of people's groceries and why would he remember you or care who you are anyway? But then the ride to Heaven is really long, so you're forced into some form of small talk with all of these naked Christians, and what do you really talk about when you're floating up to Heaven? How can you talk about anything besides the fact that you're floating up to Heaven? I talked to one naked Christian about how it would be super weird if this was actually an alien abduction of some sort, and he laughed it off and then floated over to some of his naked Christian buddies. I don't think I talked to anyone else for the rest of the trip.
Heaven's pretty sweet, though. We've got Internet (it wouldn't really be Heaven if we didn't, ha ha), so I'm finally getting a chance to let you guys know what the deal is up here. St. Peter stood at the gates when we all got there untold hours later, but he just waved us all in. It felt like we were on some planned field trip at school, so we just got a free pass. Jesus is super-chill. Awesome dude, really. Totally un-zombie-like. We haven't hung out too much, since He's got a million people to talk to, but I totally want to hang with Him a little more after everything's settled down a little. He's got the best beard I've ever seen. It's just so full of majesty. God's kind of a dick, but I guess I probably would be too if I were God. He's like the entire world's overbearing father. I heard someone call Him Zeus or something, totally in a joking way, and He didn't look too happy about it. It's like, I've seen the platypus, God. I know You've got a sense of humor.
I've basically just been hanging out for a couple of days, up here in the clouds. I know it's supposed to be Heaven, and don't get me wrong or anything, it's beautiful and the weather's nice and everybody's really friendly, but I don't know if I'm supposed to be here. These aren't really my type of people. Everyone's really snooty, and the music sucks, and we don't really get any good channels on TV. All of the awesome people I know are probably going to go to Hell, and I think I might be better off down there. I mean, Hell's where the party's at, when you think about it. Where do you think Hendrix went when he died? God's talked a little about throwing some sort of thing up here, but I get the idea that it'll probably be like those chaperoned dances that you went to in middle school, where everyone had to dance with at least six inches between them and there was no alcohol and all they played were Boyz II Men slow jams.
So that's that. I'm hoping that it gets better up here, but I don't know. If it stays like this, I might just have a talk with God about some things. He's probably a cool dude when you talk to him one-on-one. I don't think He'd kick me out of Heaven for challenging him or anything.
No comments:
Post a Comment