unfuckwithable (5.18.82)

There are few days as hallowed as Nickmas, which, as we were all taught during our childhood, falls every year on May 18th and celebrates my delivery into this world. We've all been celebrating Nickmas for so long that it's become sort of this commercialized bastardization of what it was originally supposed to be. I feel like we're getting away from the true meaning of Nickmas, year by year, and that's a damn shame.

Seeing as how we're about to start the 12 Days of Nickmas in a few days, I thought it would be the perfect time to look back and see how this whole Nickmas thing got started.

So here, in music video screenplay form, is the story of the first Nickmas. To hear the song that goes along with it, go to this page and listen to the song called "Unfuckwithable". It's my theme song.


note: this music video screenplay was written with no knowledge of how the hell to write a screenplay. I just opened up a screenplay written by Stephen King, saw that he wrote stuff like "CO" for "close up" and "EXT." for "exterior", and then was like "hey, I can write screenplays now!" So this is a mess. You're not missing anything if you don't know what the various abbreviations are for.

UNFUCKWITHABLE (5.18.82)

music video screenplay

FADE IN ON:

A woman in a hospital room in the middle of an apparently painful pregnancy. A doctor is at the end of the bed, coaching and monitoring the progress of the delivery. A mustachioed man, presumably the father of the forthcoming child, stands to the side of the bed, uttering words of support.

MOTHER
SON OF A BITCH! THIS LITTLE BADASS INSIDE OF ME
IS REALLY FUCKING MY SHIT UP!

DOCTOR
It's going to be all right, you're doing fine! Just a few
more pushes! You can do it!

INT. MOTHER'S FACE, ECU

MOTHER
ARRRRRRRRRRRMOTHERFUCKERAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

THE MOTHER, an extreme look of concentration on her face, pushes harder than she's ever pushed before in her life. One is left to wonder if she is actually one of those psychic dudes from that movie SCANNERS, what with all the veins bulging from her face and all.

SOUND: POP!, like in that old "Lollipop" song.

DOCTOR (off camera)
HOLY SHIT! WHOA!

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM, SIDE ANGLE

A baby Contra-flips out from between THE MOTHER'S legs and lands across the room as the doctor dives out of the way.

SOUND: "UNFUCKWITHABLE (5.18.82)" STARTS.

INT. THE BABY ON THE FLOOR, POV OF THE DOCTOR

THE BABY is hunched down, on one knee, head down like THE TERMINATOR when he first gets to the past. Steam is rising off of his tiny body. You can tell already that this little dude is a SUPREME BADASS. THE CAMERA SLOWLY DRAWS CLOSER to the little ball of "DO NOT FUCK WITH ME" that lays on the floor as THE DOCTOR moves in closer to inspect.

INT. DOCTOR STANDING UP WITH THE BABY HELD AT ARM'S LENGTH, CU

THE DOCTOR holds THE BABY up by his feet, like a prized fish, and spanks his ass, hoping to elicit a cry. THE BABY, in turn, reaches out and punches THE DOCTOR in the face, HARD.

INT. DOCTOR'S FACE, ECU

THE DOCTOR is visably shocked that this little dude, just moments ago a fetus, has just made him his bitch, now and forevermore. Before THE DOCTOR can even react further, a GIANT PENIS swings into frame, knocking THE DOCTOR on the side of the head and rendering him unconcious.

INT. REACTION SHOT OF BOTH PARENTS

The parents are obviously horrified.

INT. FATHER'S PANTS POCKET, ECU

A little hand reaches into the pocket and swipes a set of car keys, which is made apparent by the keychain, which is a Mercedes-Benz logo. Both parents are too shocked to do anything but wonder what kind of horse steroid made it's way into the womb and made this baby such a huge badass. THE CAMERA LINGERS ON THE KEYCHAIN, AS THE SHOT DISSOLVES INTO...

EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE

...THE SAME LOGO ON THE FRONT OF A RED SPORTS CAR, which peels out of it's space. THE CAMERA PULLS BACK and follows the car as it swiftly approaches the toll booth and the horizontal length of yellow-and-black wood that blocks the exit.

INT. INSIDE TOLL BOOTH

THE ASIAN MAN working notices that the car is not stopping, and runs out of the booth.

EXT. OUTSIDE TOLL BOOTH

As THE ASIAN MAN stands in front of the oncoming car with his arms extended in the universal sign for "HOLY FUCK STOP!", he notices...

INT. INSIDE CAR

...the small infant driving!

EXT. ASIAN MAN, CU

His arms drop as his face is overcome with an expression of what could only be called sheer befuddlement.

EXT. VIEW FROM BEHIND CAR, SPOILER'S POV

WHAM! The car slams into THE ASIAN MAN, flinging him over and behind like a ragdoll.

EXT. OUTSIDE PARKING GARAGE

The bar blocking the exit splinters into a thousand pieces as the sports car breaks it's way through and screeches onto the streets. THE BABY extends his arm out the window and gives the entire hospital the one-finger salute.

EXT. INSIDE PARKING GARAGE, BEHIND ASIAN MAN

THE ASIAN MAN slowly gets up, rubbing his head, and saying in his native Korean:

ASIAN MAN (subtitled)
Wow, what a dickbag baby!

SOUND: "UNFUCKWITHABLE (5.18.82)" CONTINUES TO PLAY AT THE FOREFRONT OF ALL THE ACTION, and just as it reaches the sweet metal part...

EXT. MAJOR INTERSECTION

...WHAM! The sports car our badass baby protaganist is driving SMASHES into opposing traffic, obliterating the front end of the car. The car flips end over end through the air as broken glass flies everywhere. It's a pretty sweet car accident; the kind where, even if you knew a backseat full of toddlers just ate it, you'd still be like, "that was fucking rad!"

EXT. CAR CRASH (multiple camera angles show the car flying through the air in super slo-mo, just to accentuate the awesomeness of it all)

EXT. SIDEWALK, A MAN AND A WOMAN ARGUING

Judging by the attire of the couple, it is obviously a prostitute and her pimp. THE PIMP'S body language is threatening, and THE PROSTITUTE appears bruised and battered. One eye is black, and her cheek is bloodied. THE CAMERA PANS FROM THE COUPLE'S UPPER-HALF DOWN TO THEIR FEET WHERE... WHAM! The infant Stalone that is OUR HERO falls from out of the sky, smoke rising from his body, skin partially singed, and still holding the detached steering wheel. This would normally kill an average person, but it just pisses THE BABY off.

SOUND: "UNFUCKWITHABLE (5.18.82)" RETURNS FROM IT'S METAL AWESOMENESS TO IT'S CHORUS

EXT. PROSTITUTE AND PIMP, CU FROM BEHIND PROSTITUTE (OVER SHOULDER)

THE PIMP is yelling something angrily at THE PROSTITUTE that we can't hear. He raises an arm to smack her in the face, when HOLY SHIT! (that's your reaction), the detached steering wheel rockets in from off-camera and almost decapitates the dude!

EXT. SIDEWALK (LOW ANGLE)

THE PIMP falls and grabs his face in agony, while THE BABY just hauls off and starts WAILING on the dude's junk. You haven't seen junk-wailing like this since the last episode of AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS. I mean, this is like, EPIC junk-wailing. We're talking like, LORD OF THE RINGS-level junk-wailing. THIS BABY is not fucking around. With his talents, he could grow up to be a professional junk-wailer. No joke.

MEANWHILE, THE PROSTITUTE squats down and starts hitting THE BABY with her purse. THE BABY pauses from his INTENSE junk-wailing to jump up and sock THE PROSTITUTE in her non-black eye. She falls to the ground and grabs her face as well.

SOUND: "UNFUCKWITHABLE (5.18.82)" REACHES IT'S INTENSE DISTORTED DRUM PART

EXT. POLICE SIRENTS, ECU

THE CAMERA STAYS WITH THE POLICE SIRENS FOR THE DURATION OF THE DISTORTED DRUMS. The reflectors inside the sirens rotate to the beat.

SOUND: "UNFUCKWITHABLE (5.18.82)" COMES TO IT'S EXTENDED METAL JAM

EXT. CITY STREETS, BABY'S POV

The police cars (three in all) screech up to the scene and the police jump out, guns drawn. Their guards drop and they slowly lower their guns when they realize that...

EXT. BABY ON SIDEWALK

...there's a baby here! THE CAMERA SLOWLY PANS IN TO THE BABY, laying on his back, arms and legs flailing, crying like a normal infant.

EXT. SIDEWALK

One officer runs up and grabs THE BABY to see if it's okay, while the other two cops run over to THE PIMP and THE PROSTITUTE, assuming them to be neglegent parents. THE PROSTITUTE is put in handcuffs (we see that both eyes are now black, making her look like RANGER RICK the raccoon, or maybe AVRIL LAVIGNE), and the obviously-in-some-serious-fucking-pain PIMP is attended to by a paramedic, who has just arrived at the scene.

EXT. COP CAR

As THE PROSTITUTE is being put into the backseat of the car, we see that she is trying to look at something behind them that we do not see. She starts screaming something, prompting the escorting officer to turn around and see that...

EXT. CITY STREETS

...one of the cop cars, back tire over THE PIMP'S junk, is peeling out, kicking up neon-colored fabric that, once upon a time, covered THE PIMP'S crotch, before finally taking off down the road. The cop that grabbed THE BABY lay on the ground unconcious, and the paramedic returns from the row of trash cans that he just dove into.

SOUND: "UNFUCKWITHABLE (5.18.82)" RETURNS TO IT'S VERSE

INT. INSIDE COP CAR

THE BABY has an intense look on his face as he weaves the car in and out of traffic. SUDDENLY, he looks over to the radio in the car.

INT. POLICE STATION

A large, gruff man, sheriff of the police station, is yelling something into his end of the radio. You can tell by the look on his face that he's a pretty pissed off dude. This guy looks super-tough, like your stereotypical movie hardass police officer boss; like he just demanded MEL GIBSON's and DANNY GLOVER'S badges that morning.

INT. INSIDE COP CAR

THE BABY is pretty obviously displeased with THE SHERIFF yelling shit at him on the radio. THE BABY'S already pretty fucking intense face becomes EVEN MORE SUPER INTENSE as he flashes the radio a MEGA PISSED OFF LOOK!

SOUND: "UNFUCKWITHABLE (5.18.82)" REACHES IT'S FINAL CHORUS

INT. POLICE STATION

THE SHERIFF stops yelling just long enough for his head to explode.

INT. INSIDE COP CAR

THE BABY, turning the radio off with his ENORMOUS PENIS, returns his intense gaze to the road to continue driving. This is obviously a baby not to be trifled with; THIS BABY DOES NOT FUCK AROUND.

EXT. COP CAR BLAZING DOWN THE ROAD

The cop car SMASHES into the rear-end of another car. If THE BABY could speak, he would probably say that that's just how he likes it, but instead he finds himself CATAPULTED THROUGH THE AIR for the second time that hour, FLYING IN MEGA-SUPER-SLO-MO TOWARDS...

EXT. THE BEACH

...a sandy beach! The car comes down and skids sideways to a stop amongst a group of bikini-clad college coeds, and what looks to be a dog wearing sunglasses and a hawaiian shirt. That dog's a party animal!

INT. INSIDE COP CAR

Door flung open in the crash, all the bikini-clad females gather around the adorable baby in the driver's seat.

SOUND: "UNFUCKWITHABLE (5.18.82)" CONCLUDES IT'S LAST CHORUS, ENDING, AS THE SOUNDTRACK FADES OUT INTO THE SOUND OF GIRLS GIGGLING

SOUND: BRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAP!

THE BABY gets a surprised, and then very embarassed look on his face as all the girls pull away from the loud fart. He starts to cry a very loud baby-cry. AW, HE'S JUST A BABY AFTER ALL!

CAMERA FADES TO BLACK