if i were an ER doctor.

CHIEF COMPLAINT: Patient, 35 year old Caucasian male, presents to the ER at 3:15am complaining of pain in his right toe. Patient reports that he was trying to make it to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out, and jammed his toe on the coffee table. Can only assume that patient was going to the bathroom to change his tampon, or to shave his vagina. Patient wheeled to emergency room by hospital staff.

PHYSICAL EXAMINATION: Patient has labored breathing, is sweaty and clammy to the touch, and appears to be in distress. Patient appears to calm down some after multiple slaps to the face, and the threat of one solid closed-fist punch to the nose. I inform the patient that he needs to stop being such a little bitch. Patient agrees with the assessment.

Patient's toe looks to be bruised, possibly broken. X-rays to confirm or deny this were contemplated, but really, what the fuck. Decided to just laugh at patient instead.

DIAGNOSIS: Fucking stubbed toe, are you serious? Patient discharged at 3:25am. I wrote a prescription and gave it to the patient, telling him to go to the nearest 24-hour CVS to get it filled right away. I look forward to getting a phone call from the pharmacist asking why the prescription only said to "grow a pair of testicles". Also, second prescription sheet given to patient in the form of "giant pussy" sign taped to his back without his knowledge or consent.

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CHIEF COMPLAINT: Patient, 27 year old Hispanic female, presents to the ER at 5:00am with, and this is a quote from her, "a case of the sniffles". Patient is also bringing in her two children, male and female, for the same.

PHYSICAL EXAMINATION: Patient has literally not sniffed or sneezed or blown her nose once since arriving in the department. Patient's son may or may not have lightly coughed once, but could have just been clearing his throat. When shown the pain scale and asked to rate their pain from 0 to 10, all patients unanimously rate their pain as a 10, and describe the sensation of mucous lightly dripping from their nose as akin to feeling the icy grip of Death around their necks. Patient's son colorfully describes the pain as feeling like a velociraptor is eating him alive, and then that other dinosaur from Jurassic Park ("the one that spits that black shit") is spitting it's acid into his abdominal cavity, followed immediately by a brontosaurus anally violating him. Patient appears to be in no distress. Patient's daughter is texting on her cell phone. Side note: I want to smack the shit out of them so bad.

DIAGNOSIS: Acute viral rhinopharyngitis, which is just doctor-talk for "you have the fucking cold, man the fuck up." I briefly contemplate filling a Super Soaker with NyQuil, kicking down the door, and spraying them all while screaming obscenities, but then talk myself down. Then I do it anyway, just because I make a ton of money and I can do that kind of shit. Patients all discharged at 5:30am, sticky and smelling of cough syrup. They threaten a lawsuit, to which I respond by running out to the parking lot and punching the daughter in the back of the head.

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CHIEF COMPLAINT: Patient, 30 year old African American male midget, presents to the ER at 2:15am via EMS with head trauma. The paramedics bringing him in indicate that it was caused by a bowling ball, and that he was the first "pin" in a game of Bowling for Midgets. I laugh so hard that I render myself incapable of treating the patient.

Patient leaves without being seen. Really, I can't blame him. I can only hope that he's accepted back into the Lollipop Guild with his new physical deformities.