rerun: zombpocalypse now!

I've been around the interwebs for nigh on a decade and a half now, and in that time, I've gone through my fair share of online journals. Now, being a giant narcissist, I can't stand to lose anything that I've written that I'm proud of. So if you know me and have followed my magnificent blogging career over the years, you may notice some repeats here over the course of the next month or two. Don't panic, or I will slap you in your face. HARD. I'm just copying some stuff on here for posterity, and also because this will all be new to the throngs of fans that I have yet to accumulate.

originally posted on September 17th, 2008:

I gotta be honest here, I'm a little disappointed. In the past year or so, we have had a few opportunities to experience some life-changing events, only to be robbed by the flip of a coin. Most would say for the better, but I can't be so sure. See, there have been at least two major events that could have resulted in the world succumbing to the inevitable zombie apocalypse, but we somehow managed to dodge the bullet each time. WTF, world?

Firstly, remember that spy satellite that had to be shot down months ago? Believe what you want about the reasons, but I'll go ahead and say you're wrong and just believe the official story about the possibility of the rocket fuel turning into extremely lethal poisonous gas and raining down on the world, because it's just a way cooler story. What would happen if we lived in a world where every window of opportunity to intercept the satellite with our missiles was missed, and that noxious gas did indeed rain down upon us like so much Furious Wrath of God? My guess is that people would die, only to have their corpses reanimated in a vile perversion of nature for the sole purpose of forever roaming the land in the pursuit of warm human flesh to consume. Granted, most of my knowledge on what happens to you after you die from poison gas comes from Return of the Living Dead, parts one and two, but that's really neither here nor there. What happened instead was that we nailed the satellite on the first try, everyone went home, and nobody had their brains eaten. If this was a movie, it would end fifteen minutes after the setup, the credits would roll, and everyone would want their seven bucks back. Now you know how I feel, people.

Secondly, there's this whole ongoing Large Hadron Collider thing over in Switzerland. We're not quite out of harm's way with this one, but we're pretty fucking far. The chances of us being sucked into a black hole created by this giant multi-billion dollar science experiment are getting smaller and smaller each day. Since nobody really knows what happens when you get within a certain distance of a black hole since time and space distort so much, what would happen if we were all just harmlessly sucked through this rip in the fabric of space, and came out the other end in a world so very much like our own, but so very, very different? A world that, I would reasonably presume, would be populated by the undead (and perhaps dinosaurs, if Land of the Lost has taught me anything). Life as we know it would change forever, that's what would happen. For the sake of scientific argument, let's just say that this alternate reality is indeed populated by both zombies and dinosaurs. Would it not be possible for there to also be zombie dinosaurs? I really don't see why not. Therefore, this world is too awesome not to exist in some alternate dimension. I mean, zombie dinosaurs? C'mon. You would spend your days riding around on your brontosaurus, chasing down zombies, all the while evading those zombie velociraptors that cause you so much trouble. If this was a movie and it only lasted fifteen minutes past the setup like that other fake movie about the spy satellite I was talking about, I would be fine, because fifteen minutes of that awesomeness is probably all my body can handle. But we missed out on this alternate reality as well. Instead of zombie dinosaurs, we get the possibility of maybe discovering the Higgs Boson particle and unraveling the mysteries of the universe, yadda yadda yadda. Unless those mysteries involve zombie dinosaurs, you can count me among the bored.

Are zombies really too much to ask for? I mean, I am really prepared here. I know that destroying the brain is the only way to kill a zombie, and I'm mentally prepared to kill any loved one that turns into one of the walking dead. You won't be hearing "but that thing is still my mom!" from me, because I've seen enough movies to know that somebody is going to die once you start thinking like that. I know my shit, and I've been waiting so long for an opportunity to prove myself! Just throw me a fucking bone here.