Right by my house, there's a road that runs alongside an airport. There are a few small businesses dotting the length of it, one of which is an establishment that sells swimming pools. To advertise, they have a giant fiberglass swimming pool propped upright against some supports. If it were possible to steal a pool in the same way that one might steal some Pogs from a comic book retailer, then I would be tempted. Which, incidentally, furthers this narrative and brings us to our next point.
Now, right next to this place is... I don't even know what this building is, because I've never bothered to read the sign out front. The reason that I've never bothered to read the sign is because of what they have out front to advertise for them: a fucking helicopter. Really, unless they sell helicopters, this is a pretty shoddy form of advertising, because I wouldn't think to go there unless I was looking to buy a helicopter, but that is entirely beside the point. There's a helicopter (henceforth referred to as "a fucking helicopter"), just hanging out on the side of the road.
Say you're a man who believes in God. Not a god, but God, with a capital G; an anthropomorphic, all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful figure who lives in the sky and wants the best for you. He sees you working your dead-end job, he hears your silent cries at night, and he sits in his giant Sky Castle, plotting and scheming on how to increase the levels of Awesome in your life exponentially. That's the guy's job, after all. I'm pretty sure it's in the Bible somewhere. He molded Man out of clay, made Woman out of some delicious spare ribs, breathed life into both of them, and then was all, "I PROMISE, AS YOUR SKY-FATHER IN HEAVEN, TO MAKE YOUR LIFE AS BITCHIN AS IS WITHIN MY POWER, WHICH IS INFINITE IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD". [Genesis 2:25] Assuming that this is an idea that you can get behind, wouldn't you think that God would do something awesome like put a fucking helicopter right next door to a fiberglass swimming pool, already propped upright and ready for airlift?
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As a man lacking faith, I'm torn. This is like an awesome version of the watchmaker analogy. Did an external force intelligently design this stretch of road to be as badass as possible? You can't just throw a bunch of disparate elements into a box, shake it around, and come out with a motorcycle jump next to fifteen flaming school buses. Things like that don't just happen by chance.
That's my dilemma. Do I steal the helicopter and airlift the swimming pool to my backyard, even if that means acknowledging a Divine Presence? Or do I appeal to logic and reason, and turn a blind eye to the wonders around me? These are the kinds of tests that were the Bible's bread and butter. Do I go on faith and not eat from the Tree of Knowledge? Do I sacrifice my son to God, even though it would pain me to do so? Do I live out my James Bond fantasies and steal a swimming pool with a fucking helicopter?
Everyone must come to their own conclusions about their spirituality. Me, I think I'll just steal the swimming pool and remain an atheist. I mean, fuckit, right?
5 comments:
The question you're overlooking is, do you even know how to swim?
As long as I have water wings, and there's no inflatable rafts in the pool to drown under, then I'm golden.
i thought god turned his back on the man and woman when they decided to eat the tasty pretty fruit. wasn't it all out the window at that point?
Yeah, they got kinda boned on that one. The difference here is that God never specifically mentioned to me that I shouldn't steal a swimming pool with a helicopter, so I think I'm in the clear.
No, I think you're correct here Nick. The police are like the snake in the garden of Eden, trying to hinder God's will with their "laws".
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