one about shitty food, to prime the pump.

The KFC Double Down debuted here this past week, and it looks to be possibly the most artery-hardening thing to come out of any restaurant in a while. Honestly, I want to go to the bathroom and then take a nap after so much as just visiting the website briefly to get the address to link to in this post. It's this kind of Meaty Monolith that I would have been so excited about as short a time as just five years ago, but... maybe I'm getting older? Maybe all my shitty eating is catching up with me? Either way, it just looks awful to me now.

Say I inevitably get curious enough to give it a shot. After the short drive to the KFC / A&W down the road, I'd return home with a brown paper bag, the grease and liquid fat that is constantly oozing out of the Double Down having already soaked through. I'd slosh the bag down on my dining room table, put on some Andrew Zimmern to set the mood (even though this is something he'd never touch, it's bizarre enough to deem his overseeing my consumption of it appropriate), and take a few deep breaths to prepare myself for the horror to follow. Bringing it to my mouth, I'd bite down, slicking my beard with horrible chicken juices. I'd scream and then explode like Tetsuo in Akira.

Don't ask me why. That's just what would happen. I'd come home with KFC, take forever examining the bag and sandwich so I could overly detail them in my blog journal, and then explode like a ridiculous anime character for no reason. That's just how things work at my house.

Seriously, I don't even know if my days of eating horrible shit are necessarily behind me, because something like the Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt is enough to fill me with the sort of lust that only those who appreciate the wonders of shitty food will ever truly know. How many of you would ever eat a hamburger with a glazed donut for the bun? Willingly? How about Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies? That kind of shit is for the truly elite among us.

To finish my thought here, I just think the Double Down looks like a shitty Cordon Bleu with some sauce slathered in the middle. I appreciate it's audaciousness, but it does nothing for me. So thank you, KFC, for trying to appeal to my demographic (being the closet fatties in their mid-twenties), but I'll have to file this under "Fast Food Failures".